i stay awake on purpose, stupid me.

Is it possible to blink oneself to sleep?
Do you know what letters feel like
before they are arranged?
I imagine it is like swimming
with less mobility
and warmer.
Have I missed the sunset
too many times
to call myself a romantic?
I have many pairs of shoes.
I want them to match my hairline
and mood swings
but no matter how much I walk in them
they do not change color,
they are too much like me
and not enough like clay
only the laces come undone
and the soles wear out
after too many uses.
What makes a soul intact?
What bomb shelter do you use
for thunderstorms?
Mine is named Jesus.
He does not get angry when I ignore him,
though occasionally I wish he would.
What if I woke one morning
and all my shoes had walked away?
What would I do if one morning
all the letters of my Bible
had re-arranged themselves?
I have never not believed in Jesus.
I have never lost myself like that.
Will you explain to me
what it is to be certain of uncertainty?
Is it like the taste of copper in my mouth,
is it familiar things
in cities I have never visited.
I like the water
because I do not float,
but I have never fully sunk
like it is just enough control,
but I want to know what it feels like
to survive a waterfall
is the drop short,
can memory be that contained,
or must it be like a sunset
observed but unmeasured,
is forgetfulness an art,
like improvisation is to jazz musicians?
I used to know much of insomnia,
but that was before I had things
worth lying awake for.
I have never not believed in Jesus
and he has never not believed in me
but I have always doubted myself.
If I walked without shoes
would I wear holes in my feet,
would my soul find my eyelashes
and sneak through them
when I try to not fall asleep,
would it be worth fighting through the dam,
if I were unable to tell you
what heaven looks like?