coping mechanism?

When they asked me to leave the orphanage,
I started crying like
whatever home I had ever built
inside my chest
had just been burned alive
and yes I am exhausted
and yes this is typical
and yes I am always
emotional instability

but, Tijuana, you don’t look like much
worth crying over
the way people talk about you
had got me thinking of home
as looking like a war zone
so a week ago
when the airplane landed
I was almost surprised
that you still smelled like things
I had always meant to learn

like poverty is not a noun
like she always has a name
this time, it was Maria.
And Pablo, Natalia, Anna, and Manuel
like love is not red cardstock
heart-shaped valentines
like they teach Americans in elementary school
it is 10 high school students
who otherwise would probably avoid eye contact
like adolescent class systems
actually mean something

it is those 10
learning how to hammer
and lay cement
and the pain of straddling rafter beams
at the exact same time

nowhere else is soccer like an orchestra
nowhere else are packed lunches like
Jesus feeding five thousand
nowhere else can dirt feel so much
like perfume and clean sheets
we built a house
and to the day I die
I will never cease
to almost believe it was a dream

Jordan gave me the keys
Jordan is my older brother’s twin
become God’s voice to remind me
that sometimes when I burn inside
it’s what makes me who I am
Jordan gave me the keys
told me it was my job
to hand them to the family
and I didn’t cry, yet.

I didn’t believe that I would ever have to fly away
just like I don’t believe
that we really built a house

from the roof of the orphanage,
the horizon is the crooked teeth
of a girl who could never win the pageant
because she couldn’t afford dentistry
but she has eyes
like you and I can’t imagine
so thank God I can call her home

the chaos here is being clean after a thunderstorm
the chaos here is not being afraid of the truth
nowhere else are dirt roads
paved with diamond memories
nowhere else have I cried for understanding too much
but everywhere else there is chaos
and everywhere else there are houses to be built
because everyone burns inside
just like me

when they asked me to leave the orphanage
I started crying like
I would never see you again, Tijuana,
maybe I will come back,
but I was wrong
when I thought
that I had not done enough here for now
because Maria has a ceiling
and a real floor
and so do Pablo, Natalia, Anna, and Manuel
I try not to cry too much anymore
I don’t want to extinguish
the firefight someone started in me
because there is chaos everywhere
but like orphans who know your name
sometimes heaven and home
both have to be a little broken
to believe in them.

to be honest.

it sucks to be home.



lord i'm tired so tired from walking
and lord i'm so alone
and lord the dark is creeping in is creeping up
to swallow me
i think i'll stop
and rest here a while

and this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
and this is all that i can give
that's my everything

well didn't you see me crying?
oh and didn't you hear me call your name?
wasn't it you i gave my heart to?
i wish you'd remember where you set it down

and this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
this is all that i can give
that's my everything

this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
this is all that i can give
that's my everything

i didn't notice you were standing here
i didn't know that was you holding me
i didn't notice you were cryin' too
i didn't know that was you washing my feet

and this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
this is all that i can give
that's my everything
this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
this is all that i can give
that's my everything yeah that's my everything

yeah that's my everything

some things from some smart people.

"yeah, in English, we put the adjectives first, because something's characteristics are more important than what it actually is, but in Spanish, the thing comes first, because that's more important. in English, what's important is a person's characteristics, but in Spanish, the fact that they're a person is paramount, and the description is secondary."
-justin bockstruck

"it's amazing that when we are in a place and have nothing, we are full of joy and peace, but when we're here and have everything, we are empty."
-jordan knox

"we have history for a past, assurance for the future, and Good News for the present."
-brad hauge

"now, it's time to go back home to where it's easy to fall back into unreality, but i want to continually live in the overlay there too."
-gabe knox

"it's only the end if you want it to be."
-julie kimball