to be honest.

it sucks to be home.



lord i'm tired so tired from walking
and lord i'm so alone
and lord the dark is creeping in is creeping up
to swallow me
i think i'll stop
and rest here a while

and this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
and this is all that i can give
that's my everything

well didn't you see me crying?
oh and didn't you hear me call your name?
wasn't it you i gave my heart to?
i wish you'd remember where you set it down

and this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
this is all that i can give
that's my everything

this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
this is all that i can give
that's my everything

i didn't notice you were standing here
i didn't know that was you holding me
i didn't notice you were cryin' too
i didn't know that was you washing my feet

and this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
this is all that i can give
that's my everything
this is all that i can say right now
i know it's not much
this is all that i can give
that's my everything yeah that's my everything

yeah that's my everything

some things from some smart people.

"yeah, in English, we put the adjectives first, because something's characteristics are more important than what it actually is, but in Spanish, the thing comes first, because that's more important. in English, what's important is a person's characteristics, but in Spanish, the fact that they're a person is paramount, and the description is secondary."
-justin bockstruck

"it's amazing that when we are in a place and have nothing, we are full of joy and peace, but when we're here and have everything, we are empty."
-jordan knox

"we have history for a past, assurance for the future, and Good News for the present."
-brad hauge

"now, it's time to go back home to where it's easy to fall back into unreality, but i want to continually live in the overlay there too."
-gabe knox

"it's only the end if you want it to be."
-julie kimball

un día más!

my nightmare last night was actually every person i love burning to death in a giant white building. (not done)

Last night every person I love
was painted whitewash
and burned to screaming ashes,
while I sat stock-still spellbound.
If helplessness had only one name
I would call him nightmare
and kiss him
for only being my reflection
and not actually something
to bind my hands
like a chainsaw switchblade ransom.
My deer in headlights did its stereotype
one better,
ran like fireballs
were pulling at my toes
I had the audacity to look back,
and then keep burrowing towards cowardice.
So call me survivor’s guilt,
then try me for treason
against God’s grace.
If I let you burn down,
I will have annihilated
the way I unwrap my salvation.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you
I’m sorry I didn’t try
I know I was sleeping
but that should really tell you
it probably was what I actually wanted
now I’m living with a building
on my conscience
now I’m running out of foundations
because I can’t remember
which one is reality
I’m sorry that I don’t know
how to save you
but don’t believe in my martyr complex
she’s conceit in disguise
she thinks she’s better than you
she and helpless have been sleeping together
for years,
but she’s stupid
so she doesn’t know it,
because he changes his name
every night
do shadows disappear
when you turn out the light,
or do they rather simply envelop
all of the air around them?
Is that a riddle
or my return address?

luke 20.19b - in rememberance.

father, forgive me
for i know not what i do
when i
forget
that this is a gift
not a right
not a pedestal
not something for mine glory
i didn't remember those days
when the words you put
inside me
were the only things
that made sense
the way now
the feet below my ankles
are the only things i can fight with
i promise,
i know what beauty is
so please open my eyes
to see it again
i am looking in all the
wrong places.
i am searching for self-fulfillment
coming up empty handed
(with despair)
crucify my lack of humility.
it's true,
it was my culture that taught me
to be angry
like i am
but we are all responsible.
you put art inside my eardrums
that's why i started doing this
word-order-search-hunt-scavenger-the-thrill-of


this
is my music.

this is how i sing
you gave me this song so long ago
to have and to hold
until my mental faculties
do us part
but i lost my eyesight on purpose,
abandoned the fight
for damascus
long ago
in hopes of finding autonomy
but i miss the sunset.
so where's the angel on the road?
can you tell him that i'm lost, again?
that i've forgotten
what my footprints look like
and thus
how to listen
for my name

but you are good
and you are bigger than all these
falls from grace
and my truancies from truth
you are good
to me.

genius kierkegaard.

"To want to admire, instead of follow, Christ is not an invention of bad people; no it is more an invention of those who spinelessly want to keep themselves detached at a safe distance from Jesus."