choices, the sky, journals, and treasure.

in some ways, this trip is nice and what i needed. it's certainly much less stressful than a trip to washington d.c. don't get me wrong: it's definitely disappointing that we don't get to go, but this is certainly not a terrible alternative. i had a difficult time near the end of this quarter, i blame the winter blues. i lost a ton of steam and motivation. i have senioritis a year and a half early. wonderful.

i can see the stars tonight. i haven't seen the stars in quite a while.

it seems like i may have to choose between westport and kokanee. when it comes down to it, kokanee will probably win out. but i will miss westport and the ocean so much. my friends know that i love kids, so much so that they will call me at ten at night- having met me three days prior- to ask me to babysit at seven the next morning. and not going to westport makes me want to cry. but the group going to kokanee is arguably a much... better?... environment for me to be in. i don't quite know what i mean by that, but then again i do. hum. it's certainly a much more affirming environment, and the not lack but minimum of high schoolers makes for little (or no, actually) drama, except for the occasional fit due to pms. c'est la vie.

i'm quite mellow right now. and sort of low. my allergies are miserable and it rains a lot over here. but i get to see the ocean. and the stars. the glorious, glorious stars. and that, at least, is a blessing beyond what i could ask. it's interesting how much i love the sky. it's my favorite part of creation, followed closely by the ocean. sunsets, sunrises, stars, blue, white clouds, anger at dark clouds that cover it, black, pink, orange... i suppose the best thing in all creation for me is colorful sky over the ocean. like WP. and it's not that it could prove god's existence for me. it somehow bothers me when people say that. i feel like it trivializes it. it probably doesn't. that's me with a superiority complex. but the only word is glory. then leave it. say nothing. speechless is the greatest place to be.

perhaps my only real gift is words. think about it: the two options i want to make a living from are: 1. talking. (what do pastors do?) or 2. writing and performing. (hence, performance poet.) so, when i find something that blows my mind...

i think the only appropriate response is silence.

which is funny, because here i am, talking about it. trivializing it. so enough of that. there's that for what it is.

i took a four hour nap today. sleep may not be for quite a while. i bought a new journal at powell's, but it's interesting. it has a title - it's called "wreck this journal." it's pretty much fabulous because each page has unpredictable instructions of what to do with the journal. many pages include instructions to make a paper chain or airplane with this page, and so on. tie a string to the journal and go for a walk. climb up high and drop the journal. write a page of good thoughts. write a page of careless thoughts. and so on. hoorah for powell's.

i am working on the meaning of discipleship in terms of following. "there is no following without leaving." i certainly believe that, but i don't know what i need to leave. 'sell all and give to the poor' simply means give up your treasure. i need to find my treasure before i can give it away. i don't pretend to think i don't have it. in fact, i theorize it may be so deep-seeded in me that i can't even recognize it as above christ.

something to contemplate. and work on. i'm going to walk to the bathroom and look at the stars some more.