too much ground to cover.

so i will do my best. i am re-studying colossians. my moral compass russ and i sat down a few weeks ago to basically re-orient my life. i've been in something of a rut, at least spiritually, for the past few months and most of that was self-driven, laziness driven, whatever you want to call it... i was fed up. we came up with a plan and it involved consistent bible reading, something i have never done or been good at except at the oaks. in class. when assigned and required. (and often in greek or latin, not english.)

i tried to start in psalms. that was the plan originally.

somehow i ended up in romans last week.

then i found my old (in quotations "old") bible. NLT i think? i switched to ESV just because it is in fact closest in greek and hebrew translations. but anyways, found the NLT. the destroyed bible. seriously, sometimes i worry that if i look at it the wrong way the binding will snap and the pages will shrivel up.

and here's the thing with the last week or so... i haven't WANTED to read my bible since (i can name the actual week if i get out my calendar) july of 2007. but i haven't been able to put the thing down. it's crazy. mostly paul stuff, but gospels too.

so, colossians. (pulease, i've never been diagnosed with ADD........) main message/point of the whole book: Christ is above all else.

something i think many people, christian or not, miss in the idea of christianity - like, the real, first century AD badass version of christianity - is the recognition that, uh, it actually has something (read: everything) to do with christ. people talk this and that and fight over God God God, and they're referring to God the "father" or whatever. NOT that he isn't important. NOT that we would be anything without him... but people miss the idea that christ validates everything. i don't think it would be worth anything without jesus.

colossians focuses on that. "everything changes because christ is my life." i had a conversation recently that ended up on the notion that: "the purpose of life is to get rid of as much of the shit as possible." and i agree.

no question.

rob often says that one of the most central players in life is hope. and for me, i can't just hope that life is going to be better. call me naive, call me simple, call me ignorant, i simply don't accept the notion that this is all there is. i've experienced something greater. i don't mean to be preachy, i just really am CONVINCED that there is something worth hoping for, only because God manifest came and killed any chance satan had in this world of winning. he lost. period. life is still shitty because WE are imperfect. but there is hope. because christ changed everything... which ought to include US.

there is so much of a reason to live for that.

sometimes when i write things like this, i feel like i don't make sense. and in some ways, although i feel like i might be misrepresenting my faith (or god, or whatever), i'm ok with that. i KNOW that there are some things i will never be good at explaining. i don't care how much seminary you go to or how many preaching classes you take, some things are just too big for words. and i'm good at words. but i KNOW that.

some things are just too BIG for words.

colossians 3.17: "go to everyone, admonishing and singing with thankfulness."

ok, one last thing and i'll shut up.

i told russ that i want to learn how to pray, because, despite all my wordiness and ability to be the outspoken student leadership cornerstone... i've grown up enough to realize that prayer is personal. the pharisees got owned by jesus for doing what i've considered usual practice for so long. stumbled upon colossians 4.2: "devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and thankful heart."

seems "normal" or straightforward enough. but the greek translation - yay nerdiness - translates "devote yourselves" almost directly into the phrase "hold fast and not let go."

dude.

i want that.

"hold fast and don't let go"?!

HELL YES.

i want to DO that. find something, hold fast, don't give up until there's an answer. (EVEN if the answer is no.) the question is not "do you pray?" but rather "are you prayerful?" it's another lifestyle thing.

it's like anything else. like running. like writing. if you want it, you will hold onto it and NOT LET GO.

yeah. everything changes. at least for me. because christ is my life. i won't let go, y'all. i can't.

thank God, i can't.

choices, the sky, journals, and treasure.

in some ways, this trip is nice and what i needed. it's certainly much less stressful than a trip to washington d.c. don't get me wrong: it's definitely disappointing that we don't get to go, but this is certainly not a terrible alternative. i had a difficult time near the end of this quarter, i blame the winter blues. i lost a ton of steam and motivation. i have senioritis a year and a half early. wonderful.

i can see the stars tonight. i haven't seen the stars in quite a while.

it seems like i may have to choose between westport and kokanee. when it comes down to it, kokanee will probably win out. but i will miss westport and the ocean so much. my friends know that i love kids, so much so that they will call me at ten at night- having met me three days prior- to ask me to babysit at seven the next morning. and not going to westport makes me want to cry. but the group going to kokanee is arguably a much... better?... environment for me to be in. i don't quite know what i mean by that, but then again i do. hum. it's certainly a much more affirming environment, and the not lack but minimum of high schoolers makes for little (or no, actually) drama, except for the occasional fit due to pms. c'est la vie.

i'm quite mellow right now. and sort of low. my allergies are miserable and it rains a lot over here. but i get to see the ocean. and the stars. the glorious, glorious stars. and that, at least, is a blessing beyond what i could ask. it's interesting how much i love the sky. it's my favorite part of creation, followed closely by the ocean. sunsets, sunrises, stars, blue, white clouds, anger at dark clouds that cover it, black, pink, orange... i suppose the best thing in all creation for me is colorful sky over the ocean. like WP. and it's not that it could prove god's existence for me. it somehow bothers me when people say that. i feel like it trivializes it. it probably doesn't. that's me with a superiority complex. but the only word is glory. then leave it. say nothing. speechless is the greatest place to be.

perhaps my only real gift is words. think about it: the two options i want to make a living from are: 1. talking. (what do pastors do?) or 2. writing and performing. (hence, performance poet.) so, when i find something that blows my mind...

i think the only appropriate response is silence.

which is funny, because here i am, talking about it. trivializing it. so enough of that. there's that for what it is.

i took a four hour nap today. sleep may not be for quite a while. i bought a new journal at powell's, but it's interesting. it has a title - it's called "wreck this journal." it's pretty much fabulous because each page has unpredictable instructions of what to do with the journal. many pages include instructions to make a paper chain or airplane with this page, and so on. tie a string to the journal and go for a walk. climb up high and drop the journal. write a page of good thoughts. write a page of careless thoughts. and so on. hoorah for powell's.

i am working on the meaning of discipleship in terms of following. "there is no following without leaving." i certainly believe that, but i don't know what i need to leave. 'sell all and give to the poor' simply means give up your treasure. i need to find my treasure before i can give it away. i don't pretend to think i don't have it. in fact, i theorize it may be so deep-seeded in me that i can't even recognize it as above christ.

something to contemplate. and work on. i'm going to walk to the bathroom and look at the stars some more.