tengo muchos pensamientos hoy.

i wish i had said half the things C.S. Lewis said. quotes that have helped me a lot lately to keep myself in check with my stupid self:

1. "legalism is feeling conviction from God, following it ceaselessly, and then projecting that conviction upon everyone else.
2. "temperance is not abstaining, but going the right length and no further."
3. "the mark of a bad man is that he cannot give up something without asking everyone else to give it up as well."

not only Lewis, but his godson as well:

"christians today focus on the trivialities - not smoking, not drinking [at all], dressing appropriately in church, and so on. Jesus doesn't give two hoots about that sort of bullshit. if you go out and DO christianity, you can smoke if you want, drink [moderately] if you want, etc."

mark terrell:

"the most wrong and hurtful thing i have ever heard one person say to another was, 'shut up,' because it implied intrinsically that that person had nothing of value to say and no worth at all."
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mark 8. the pattern: three instances of 1. Jesus predicts his death, 2. disciples fail to understand and, 3. Jesus teaches discipleship, these three instances bookended by healing of blind men, respectively. in the middle of it is the caesarea philippi confession, followed by Peter's rebuking of Jesus.

Jesus predicts his suffering. Peter pulls him aside and beings rebuking him. Jesus interjects, "get behind me Satan!" because of a collision. Jesus is teaching the kingdom, and Peter has a different kingdom in mind. for Peter, at that moment, the cost outweighed the benefit, and he was looking to negotiate with the kingdom. and i do that. the cost of the kingdom: "you must forsake all of that which would promise security to oneself."

Lewis: "Jesus says, I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it."

i'm more than certain i've been doing a lot of cost-counting lately. but the kingdom is non-negotiable.
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i've been friends with austin for over a year now. he was my first real, true, close non-christian friend. and it tore me up, you know? i can look at old entries from this blog that are nothing but agony over him. i had forgotten what that feels like. and now, who are my friends? agnostics. atheists. people who are ANGRY with god, if they feel like believing he exists. sheez.

"he only believes in God when he believes God is tormenting him.
it means a lot to suffer when all you can suffer is divine retribution...
did God create suffering in order to spend the rest of his life
trying to overcome his ability to feel guilt?"

the person who wrote that is one of my best friends. an amazing poem. maybe my favorite of his. it's called "what he learned in sunday school." but shit. i don't let myself think about it much, but when i do it feels like a train just ran me over. i'm not angry about it. i can't be. but, man, it hurts. it crushes me. i love them all so much. i'm certainly glad they aren't my only friends, without my small group i'd be nothing. i love tuesday nights in the janzen living room. but i love my friends. post-slam hangs at the satellite, team piece writing, macy's storming to save kurt, a walk of life i'd never have dreamed of.

so it hurts. they have time. i only hope [read: pray] time does them good.
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one last bit, then i'll upshut.

it's funny. because i don't like john riggs anymore- thank god, the man's 22, which isn't even legal. but being around him reminds me that dating eric would be a bad idea. i already know that i don't want to marry the kid. i can't marry someone who's jewish. but for whatever reason, being around that ridiculous friend of mine has reminded me of the kind of person that i do want to marry, and that pretending anything else, even in high school, would be... uh, stupid.

sucks though. ahhh, the loneliness of a high school girl. maybe i should write a poem about it.

JUST KIDDING.