too much ground to cover.

so i will do my best. i am re-studying colossians. my moral compass russ and i sat down a few weeks ago to basically re-orient my life. i've been in something of a rut, at least spiritually, for the past few months and most of that was self-driven, laziness driven, whatever you want to call it... i was fed up. we came up with a plan and it involved consistent bible reading, something i have never done or been good at except at the oaks. in class. when assigned and required. (and often in greek or latin, not english.)

i tried to start in psalms. that was the plan originally.

somehow i ended up in romans last week.

then i found my old (in quotations "old") bible. NLT i think? i switched to ESV just because it is in fact closest in greek and hebrew translations. but anyways, found the NLT. the destroyed bible. seriously, sometimes i worry that if i look at it the wrong way the binding will snap and the pages will shrivel up.

and here's the thing with the last week or so... i haven't WANTED to read my bible since (i can name the actual week if i get out my calendar) july of 2007. but i haven't been able to put the thing down. it's crazy. mostly paul stuff, but gospels too.

so, colossians. (pulease, i've never been diagnosed with ADD........) main message/point of the whole book: Christ is above all else.

something i think many people, christian or not, miss in the idea of christianity - like, the real, first century AD badass version of christianity - is the recognition that, uh, it actually has something (read: everything) to do with christ. people talk this and that and fight over God God God, and they're referring to God the "father" or whatever. NOT that he isn't important. NOT that we would be anything without him... but people miss the idea that christ validates everything. i don't think it would be worth anything without jesus.

colossians focuses on that. "everything changes because christ is my life." i had a conversation recently that ended up on the notion that: "the purpose of life is to get rid of as much of the shit as possible." and i agree.

no question.

rob often says that one of the most central players in life is hope. and for me, i can't just hope that life is going to be better. call me naive, call me simple, call me ignorant, i simply don't accept the notion that this is all there is. i've experienced something greater. i don't mean to be preachy, i just really am CONVINCED that there is something worth hoping for, only because God manifest came and killed any chance satan had in this world of winning. he lost. period. life is still shitty because WE are imperfect. but there is hope. because christ changed everything... which ought to include US.

there is so much of a reason to live for that.

sometimes when i write things like this, i feel like i don't make sense. and in some ways, although i feel like i might be misrepresenting my faith (or god, or whatever), i'm ok with that. i KNOW that there are some things i will never be good at explaining. i don't care how much seminary you go to or how many preaching classes you take, some things are just too big for words. and i'm good at words. but i KNOW that.

some things are just too BIG for words.

colossians 3.17: "go to everyone, admonishing and singing with thankfulness."

ok, one last thing and i'll shut up.

i told russ that i want to learn how to pray, because, despite all my wordiness and ability to be the outspoken student leadership cornerstone... i've grown up enough to realize that prayer is personal. the pharisees got owned by jesus for doing what i've considered usual practice for so long. stumbled upon colossians 4.2: "devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and thankful heart."

seems "normal" or straightforward enough. but the greek translation - yay nerdiness - translates "devote yourselves" almost directly into the phrase "hold fast and not let go."

dude.

i want that.

"hold fast and don't let go"?!

HELL YES.

i want to DO that. find something, hold fast, don't give up until there's an answer. (EVEN if the answer is no.) the question is not "do you pray?" but rather "are you prayerful?" it's another lifestyle thing.

it's like anything else. like running. like writing. if you want it, you will hold onto it and NOT LET GO.

yeah. everything changes. at least for me. because christ is my life. i won't let go, y'all. i can't.

thank God, i can't.