my nightmare last night was actually every person i love burning to death in a giant white building. (not done)

Last night every person I love
was painted whitewash
and burned to screaming ashes,
while I sat stock-still spellbound.
If helplessness had only one name
I would call him nightmare
and kiss him
for only being my reflection
and not actually something
to bind my hands
like a chainsaw switchblade ransom.
My deer in headlights did its stereotype
one better,
ran like fireballs
were pulling at my toes
I had the audacity to look back,
and then keep burrowing towards cowardice.
So call me survivor’s guilt,
then try me for treason
against God’s grace.
If I let you burn down,
I will have annihilated
the way I unwrap my salvation.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you
I’m sorry I didn’t try
I know I was sleeping
but that should really tell you
it probably was what I actually wanted
now I’m living with a building
on my conscience
now I’m running out of foundations
because I can’t remember
which one is reality
I’m sorry that I don’t know
how to save you
but don’t believe in my martyr complex
she’s conceit in disguise
she thinks she’s better than you
she and helpless have been sleeping together
for years,
but she’s stupid
so she doesn’t know it,
because he changes his name
every night
do shadows disappear
when you turn out the light,
or do they rather simply envelop
all of the air around them?
Is that a riddle
or my return address?