restless.

if you follow my myspace blog, which i believe some of you do, you'll have recently heard me talking about how ready i am to not live at my house. don't get me wrong: i'm quite aware that i don't know what living on my own is like. i don't have a job - though i may in short order (short order, por supuesto, being summer.) - i don't pay rent, i don't pay bills of any kind, i don't really know how to cook, and so on, and so on, and so on. i don't pretend like i know what that's like. that would be pretentious of me.

i do think, though, that i'm ready to move out. i guess, the more times i try to type it out in different ways, there is no way to say that without sounding pretentious when you're sixteen years old. and i get that. i really do. but my parents and i don't fight or anything, i'm just ready to not live with them anymore. after only a few months of my small group, i'm discovering that it's not working. the community is wonderful. i LOVE every member of that group. but it's my parents'. and that means that it doesn't benefit me as much as a group could. and i don't think that's unfair to say, at least.

some of this stems, i'm sure, from having friends who live by themselves. i'm just... too cushioned here. with no peers to live in close contact with, my life all paid for, and three cars more or less at my disposal, i'm spoiled.

i'm ready to go.

++

...i guess along those same lines, i'm also so ready to go anywhere in the world but here. and i love spokane. (i also give the schpiel frequently.) ADORE it. i don't think there's been a day this week i haven't been to empyrean. i'm getting a new bike to ride around. spokane is so unique and wonderful. but i am so ready to go anywhere.

i have cravings for tijuana and westport a lot these days, and a part of me is really sad i'm not going to LA. john and bob are going to vietnam in a little less than a week, and i really want nothing more than to go with them. i recently was trying to plan my life after college, my first thought was "well i'll intern for new community the next year, maybe barista empyrean if that works out...." then realized that meant staying in spokane. and, yeah, that's probably what will happen.

but, man, that may not be what needs to happen.

"where you end up is where you're supposed to be."

crap, how long has it been since i used that one? i know it'll be ok. i know wherever i am it won't matter. but i guess, especially since getting my emotions on track, i've been realizing more and more and more how much the restless streak really is a part of who i am. i don't like to settle. last weekend i was walking around cannon hill park at 2:30 in the morning, and it felt so good to not be where i was "supposed" to be. (no, i did not sneak out. and no, i wasn't by myself. i know how to be safe.) or whatever you want to call it. it was glorious. i could appreciate the rain.

do you know how often i appreciate the rain?

...never.

but it felt like freedom to me.

that's an idealistic (or poet's) way of putting it. but i can't wait to get out. which sounds terrible. i don't mean it so. i'm just restless. and always have been, i guess.

++

anyway, study party with kate time. i'ma copy and paste a part of the new poem. mas o menos lame. but it's getting there. probably first round for the anis feature (ahhh!!), followed by an edited-down titanic.

I wear a key around my neck to remind me
that the doorframe must stay locked
to keep my heart from falling out
because the string I attached it to
is trying to run
to the tin can on the other end
that’s forgotten to talk back
I never quite learned how
to spell the word silence
or what echoes are supposed to sound like
my voice retreats off these walls
and I simply raise it louder
soon I’m shouting distraction
to disguise the truth
my friends,
I am not out to make this stand my confession booth
nor any one of you my priests.

I think that poets have learned
to trust audiences with small pieces
of themselves
but they,
like I,
have never chosen
to cut a cavity in their chest
large enough to see through