luke 20.19b - in rememberance.

father, forgive me
for i know not what i do
when i
forget
that this is a gift
not a right
not a pedestal
not something for mine glory
i didn't remember those days
when the words you put
inside me
were the only things
that made sense
the way now
the feet below my ankles
are the only things i can fight with
i promise,
i know what beauty is
so please open my eyes
to see it again
i am looking in all the
wrong places.
i am searching for self-fulfillment
coming up empty handed
(with despair)
crucify my lack of humility.
it's true,
it was my culture that taught me
to be angry
like i am
but we are all responsible.
you put art inside my eardrums
that's why i started doing this
word-order-search-hunt-scavenger-the-thrill-of


this
is my music.

this is how i sing
you gave me this song so long ago
to have and to hold
until my mental faculties
do us part
but i lost my eyesight on purpose,
abandoned the fight
for damascus
long ago
in hopes of finding autonomy
but i miss the sunset.
so where's the angel on the road?
can you tell him that i'm lost, again?
that i've forgotten
what my footprints look like
and thus
how to listen
for my name

but you are good
and you are bigger than all these
falls from grace
and my truancies from truth
you are good
to me.

weirdskylightsandtoomuchconfusioniwanttoun derstandallthings.

mercy: compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence.

love thy enemy. woops.

passion has more than one direction and therefore must be controlled. but i am far too small to deal with my own soul. i believe in a christ who loves the people who hate him. vulgarity may be a drawback of mine, but i have said before, 'i don't want to fucking be religious. i just want to be like jesus.' it would be an honor for someone to say, she loved the people who hated her.

everyone has enemies. arguably, i've made my own.

i don't believe that ultimate mercy is a human-possessed trait. people can have merciful instances, yeah, but it takes something of divinity to own it. and i don't have that yet.

hold fast and don't let go - the definition of real prayer.

uh, woops again.

prayer shouldn't be birthed out of necessity, but i forgot. i forgot that prayer is the boat, not the lifeline. that was a crappy metaphor. i don't want to be called a poet like i don't want to be called a christian. titles are often only pretentious (not always, but often). and what happened to my posture of humility? real jesus-ness is a theology of humility. woops woops woops, sometimes i am made of the opposite of everything i believe in. but i do believe in it.

there is so much upside down. i have too many questions. and too many beliefs. why do i believe all this? i do. i do i do i do with all of my cells and blood and head and heart and life why is this so clear?

this is what happens when i walk the line between confused and

there
is
no
alternative

what else can i
do
with
jesus?

END STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS.